Winning at Home Through Autonomy and Support

Winning at Home Through Autonomy and Support

Today I am reflecting on what it means to win at home. As a parent, I want a lot for my daughter, for Bella Love. But wanting the goal more than she does is one of the quickest ways to create tension in the house. I heard a performance advisor, Austin Merrill, talk about this, and it hit me hard. There is a huge difference between seeing potential in your child and pushing potential onto your child. Pushing creates friction. Seeing creates connection.

The question that matters most is why does that clash even happen. It usually goes back to responsibility. When the parent tries to own all the responsibility and direct all the behavior, it prevents the child from becoming responsible on their own. I want autonomy for Bella. I want her to grow into a young woman who owns her choices and feels the confidence that comes from mastery, not from being told what to do.

When kids are little, you have to direct them. You tell them not to touch the hot pan, not to play with fire, not to run into the street. But as they grow older, the shift has to happen. They need choices. They need freedom within structure. If a parent squeezes too tightly, the child either becomes defiant or becomes overly compliant with no internal ownership. Neither helps them grow.

Autonomy is developed when a child feels like they have a choice. It is developed when they willingly endorse their own behavior instead of simply obeying someone else’s instructions. Competence grows when they feel mastery, when they know they did it rather than feeling like their parent did it for them. And relatedness develops when they feel connected and supported rather than controlled and restricted.

When parents constantly get in the way, the kids who finally gain some freedom often swing too far in the other direction. That is why choices matter. Structure matters. Guidance matters. Dictatorship does not. And total freedom does not either.

This same model shows up in family leadership. A home is a team. When a family is early in the process, there is tension, confusion, and conflict. But as the family grows, they learn to resolve conflict, build norms, build trust, and create clarity. Eventually the family performs at a high level with unity and cooperation. And one day, the team will dissolve, not in a negative way, but in the natural way that children grow up and move into their next chapter. Our home will reorganize. Our roles will change. That is the natural cycle.

If I am going to support autonomy for Bella, I must ask more questions than I give answers. I cannot give advice unless she asks for it. I must praise process. I must let her fail, let her learn, let her take steps forward and backward without me interfering every time my instincts want to jump in.

I must regulate myself first so she can learn to regulate herself. My job is to be the steady voice, not the loud one. My job is to be the safe place, not the stressful place. My job is to support her as she builds ownership of her life.

That is what winning at home really looks like.